After a so-far productive day of fixing a Paypal issue that had lingered for years (literally) and a few other had-to-get-dones, I’m now in that stuckness-quandry of what to do next. Scrap? Write? Paint? I feel very torn because while I want to do all three, I know that when I choose one and get into it, I’ll get so into it that I’ll not have time for anything else, and will have a hard time stopping later to work out and run to the store (two things that must be done, no matter what). I seem to have the freight-train version of creative impulse. Once that monster starts & gathers steam, look out, because it’s hard to stop. And once it does stop, starting it again is almost impossible, as it needs a night of rest.
I’m also fending off memory monsters. Next week I fly to L.A. to work at the second Battlestar Galactica prop auction (pics from the first one, back in January, are in the gallery), and while I should be beside myself with excitement—I get to spend time with my sweetie, I love L.A., I get to spend time with friends I don’t see nearly often enough—the entire trip is tainted with memories of the last auction. The last auction took place on the weekend my mom had her second chemo, got sick & went into the hospital, and passed away. She knew I was going and was happy for me, and even told me not call while out there because she’d be feeling too poorly to talk. I think she knew what was going to happen. I think I did too, deep down. I’d been hearing it in her voice for awhile; she didn’t want to fight it any more. I know that she’s now in an amazingly better place, so happy to be there, and free of all the crap that bogged her down in this life. I’m happy for her, but sad for me since I miss her…although I do still feel very connected to her, and I know she’s aware of things. And most likely trying to meddle in them a bit, too, lol.
So while I’m going to try to have fun next week, in the back of my mind I’m going to be thinking about her. But I’m going to try to remember that she was happy for me to work the first auction, and would be (is) happy for me to go again. I firmly believe she helped lead me to my sweetie, so she’ll be tickled pink that I’m with him. I might even hear a few “I told you so”‘s whispered in my ear.